Introduction, of sorts

Well since I'm new to this I should probably introduce myself.  I am 35 year old mother of two, married and am currently working towards becoming a lactation consultant.  I spend more time doing volunteer jobs than anyone really should.  I think it probably comes from an insecurity that makes me want to prove my worth to the world at large.  It's crazy since no matter how much you do it is never enough for everyone.  My volunteer commitments now are PTA, soccer coach for my daughter's team, DAR, CAR and helping moms breastfeed their babies in the way they wish to do so.  Striking a balance between family commitments and volunteer duties has been difficult, but I don't think I would have it any other way.  Well, I would change some things. 

But right now my life is hard.  Not that I would ever say it has been easy at any point in my life, but it is especially hard right now.  My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic. I knew from a young age she was different than other moms.  She would sleep all day.  Spend way too much time listening to Pat Robertson and calling the 700 Club for someone to pray for her and often would end up in arguments that would last hours.  I always felt bad for the poor person on the other end and guilty for being happy it wasn't me being yelled at.  She always thought people were following her and trying to kill my father for insurance money.  Whenever she saw a red car she believed it was a particular employee of my father.  I always wondered why my father employed her if she spent all her time following us. 

But recently she has gotten far worse.  She has been involuntarily commited three times in the last 13 months.  She has no insurance so we are at the mercy of the Community Service Board and the Police to decide if she needs help.  And they are limited by our wonderful state laws that refuse to adequately fund mental health.  Even the massacre at Virginia Tech did nothing to open the eyes of our lawmakers.  The only difference I saw was that when she was on Temporary Detainment Order before the new laws took effect the hospital was not allowed to acknowledge she had been admitted. Now they are allowed to tell us how she is doing and that she is there until the court hearing is held in 2 days, then we are cut off again.  I've also been told that the ability for the CSB to cover a hospital stay longer than 10 days was removed.  Thanks Tim Kaine!  Hope you don't meet me in a dark alley.  Or better yet, hope my mom is roaming your neighborhood.

So I hope you are interested in hearing about my plight over the next few months, years, centuries, while I go through the process of suing for guardianship of my mom and try my best to get her the help she needs despite no help being available.

I'll share with you my biggest fear right now. Every time I hear my phone ring a part of me worries that this time it will be a call that my mom hurt someone.  Every time I stop by my mother's house I worry what I will find.  I feel like this illness took away my childhood and it is trying it's hardest to take away my adulthood.  But the part that bothers me most is that it is trying to take away my kids' childhood.  I can't let that happen. 

I hope you will cry with me a little bit, but more often you will laugh at the absurdity of it all.  Because if you don't laugh schizophrenia wins.

And please forgive my grammar and spelling.  It has never been my strong point.