There is some small part of me that wakes up every morning that thinks maybe today mom will be better. Okay, it's a huge part of me that screams it during every waking moment, but that voice is starting to get a little hoarse and fade away.
Mom has been having a very hard time recently. Since she signed the POA I've had people fixing things in her house. And I think it's getting to her. My brother was able to go in and fix the eternally stopped up sink and now there are two men coming in and out of her house replacing the heat, a/c and duct work. This has been very upsetting to her, but I'm sure if she really thought about it she prefers a sink that doesn't overflow (and becomes unusable for a week) and actual working heat. But she argues with these people till they almost walk off the job and has started taking it out on her aide.
Ah, the aide. Seems like a never ending problem. The first aide was awful. She seemed to do nothing while she was there and couldn't even be bothered to put mom's medicine out for her. Not sure if that was included in her training, but whatever. In November mom got a new aide, who actually does her job. She cleans and dusts and fixes mom a meal and never forgets to give her her medicine. What a concept! Of course this irritates mom to no end. She was very fond of the cobwebs that have been removed, the spiders have been evicted and her house no longer has that wet storage shed smell. It just isn't home anymore.
Back in December I told her aide that she was welcome to make herself something to eat and have lunch with mom. Mom always eats better if someone is eating with her. I also said she was welcome to any drinks or snacks she needed while there. Mom was standing next to me as I said this to the aide. But she's forgotten the conversation and no matter how many times I remind her she is constantly accusing the aide of stealing the bottled water. So I wrote a note on the fridge that says "...(the aide) may eat a meal and take a bottle of water with her when she goes. Cathy." Then I had to add another. "Please let...(the aide) do her job. She is trying to help you. Cathy." I was hoping that having it written down would remind her better. I showed mom the notes before I left and told her to read them whenever she got upset at the aide. Well Monday morning she called me to ask what those notes were on the fridge. I remind her that the aide is the only thing standing between mom and assisted living. That usually calms her down, but she forgets very quickly and we have the whole discussion over again.It just never ends.
Recently mom has been talking about a different set of neighbors trying to kill her with a shotgun. Then another neighbor is fighting with her over her imaginary boyfriend. I'm concerned she will have to be hospitalized again. Or worse. She may hurt someone before we can convince anyone to hospitalize her. We've talked her into trying a different medication. Here's hoping it does the trick. She'll see her doctor next month to discuss it.
But my biggest issue now is I'm not sure how much energy I have left to deal with this. I'm getting burned out even with my sister sharing the responsibility. I would like to live my life and not spend it taking care of mom. I resent her even though I know she's not this way because she has a choice. Life just makes you want to crawl under your bed and stay there sometimes. Course if you do that you miss the fleeting moments that make life bearable.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Arizona Tragedy
Like many of you I've been following the horrible events that unfolded over the weekend in Arizona. I feel horrible for all those people who were killed or injured. Such senseless acts should never happen. But I've been hearing some rhetoric which I feel is really off base. It's the idea that the family should have known and done something to stop him. While I understand why the public and media jump to this conclusion I know better. The public gets outraged just like with Virginia Tech. They blame the family for not "doing something," and they move on because in their eyes they are blameless. No need to think further.
But if you've been reading my blog you know that state laws ensure that even the mentally ill have rights that are beyond reproach. Family members can beg and plead for help, but it makes no difference. Just suspecting someone is capable of something horrible is not enough to get them locked up, no matter how credible the suspicion is. Case in point, my mother attempted to abduct 4 kids and was hospitalized against her will. After an 11 day hospitalization (her longest and we had to beg) she is living across the street from those very children. She recently has been talking about the kids again and saying they need to be saved. She mentioned this to her psychiatrist. She walked out of his office at the end of the appointment without question. The doctor said again that the medicine wouldn't stop the delusions, it only seems to make her too weak to act on them.
I personally think this makes everyone else a little crazy. Who would let her walk around with the rest of us when she's clearly delusional? Apparently, Virginia's legislators that's who! And we the citizens of this country are equally to blame. We look at a crazy person and we say "someone should do something!" But no one knows who "someone" really is. We have no idea that there is no "someone" who will take care of it. We want health care and a safe country, but we shouldn't pay a penny to fund it. We want mentally ill people "controlled," but not if it means we are inconvenienced (by a tax bill) in any way. So these people walk the streets, as is their right, and we shut our eyes to the risk. The reality is if I block my mother's freedom in any way I can end up being the one locked up.
I certainly don't want to go back to the days where they forcibly lock people up for mental illness. But there needs to be options. We have to make it easier to get mental health care in this country. We can't let people with mental problems, who require hospitalization, to walk out before the medicines have hit their blood streams. We will have to throw some money at the problem until we figure out how to help. I don't have the energy to take the entire fight on my own. I do have a family to raise and an adulthood on hold already.
Please care. I don't want to hear about another tragedy like this one.
But if you've been reading my blog you know that state laws ensure that even the mentally ill have rights that are beyond reproach. Family members can beg and plead for help, but it makes no difference. Just suspecting someone is capable of something horrible is not enough to get them locked up, no matter how credible the suspicion is. Case in point, my mother attempted to abduct 4 kids and was hospitalized against her will. After an 11 day hospitalization (her longest and we had to beg) she is living across the street from those very children. She recently has been talking about the kids again and saying they need to be saved. She mentioned this to her psychiatrist. She walked out of his office at the end of the appointment without question. The doctor said again that the medicine wouldn't stop the delusions, it only seems to make her too weak to act on them.
I personally think this makes everyone else a little crazy. Who would let her walk around with the rest of us when she's clearly delusional? Apparently, Virginia's legislators that's who! And we the citizens of this country are equally to blame. We look at a crazy person and we say "someone should do something!" But no one knows who "someone" really is. We have no idea that there is no "someone" who will take care of it. We want health care and a safe country, but we shouldn't pay a penny to fund it. We want mentally ill people "controlled," but not if it means we are inconvenienced (by a tax bill) in any way. So these people walk the streets, as is their right, and we shut our eyes to the risk. The reality is if I block my mother's freedom in any way I can end up being the one locked up.
I certainly don't want to go back to the days where they forcibly lock people up for mental illness. But there needs to be options. We have to make it easier to get mental health care in this country. We can't let people with mental problems, who require hospitalization, to walk out before the medicines have hit their blood streams. We will have to throw some money at the problem until we figure out how to help. I don't have the energy to take the entire fight on my own. I do have a family to raise and an adulthood on hold already.
Please care. I don't want to hear about another tragedy like this one.
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