There is some small part of me that wakes up every morning that thinks maybe today mom will be better. Okay, it's a huge part of me that screams it during every waking moment, but that voice is starting to get a little hoarse and fade away.
Mom has been having a very hard time recently. Since she signed the POA I've had people fixing things in her house. And I think it's getting to her. My brother was able to go in and fix the eternally stopped up sink and now there are two men coming in and out of her house replacing the heat, a/c and duct work. This has been very upsetting to her, but I'm sure if she really thought about it she prefers a sink that doesn't overflow (and becomes unusable for a week) and actual working heat. But she argues with these people till they almost walk off the job and has started taking it out on her aide.
Ah, the aide. Seems like a never ending problem. The first aide was awful. She seemed to do nothing while she was there and couldn't even be bothered to put mom's medicine out for her. Not sure if that was included in her training, but whatever. In November mom got a new aide, who actually does her job. She cleans and dusts and fixes mom a meal and never forgets to give her her medicine. What a concept! Of course this irritates mom to no end. She was very fond of the cobwebs that have been removed, the spiders have been evicted and her house no longer has that wet storage shed smell. It just isn't home anymore.
Back in December I told her aide that she was welcome to make herself something to eat and have lunch with mom. Mom always eats better if someone is eating with her. I also said she was welcome to any drinks or snacks she needed while there. Mom was standing next to me as I said this to the aide. But she's forgotten the conversation and no matter how many times I remind her she is constantly accusing the aide of stealing the bottled water. So I wrote a note on the fridge that says "...(the aide) may eat a meal and take a bottle of water with her when she goes. Cathy." Then I had to add another. "Please let...(the aide) do her job. She is trying to help you. Cathy." I was hoping that having it written down would remind her better. I showed mom the notes before I left and told her to read them whenever she got upset at the aide. Well Monday morning she called me to ask what those notes were on the fridge. I remind her that the aide is the only thing standing between mom and assisted living. That usually calms her down, but she forgets very quickly and we have the whole discussion over again.It just never ends.
Recently mom has been talking about a different set of neighbors trying to kill her with a shotgun. Then another neighbor is fighting with her over her imaginary boyfriend. I'm concerned she will have to be hospitalized again. Or worse. She may hurt someone before we can convince anyone to hospitalize her. We've talked her into trying a different medication. Here's hoping it does the trick. She'll see her doctor next month to discuss it.
But my biggest issue now is I'm not sure how much energy I have left to deal with this. I'm getting burned out even with my sister sharing the responsibility. I would like to live my life and not spend it taking care of mom. I resent her even though I know she's not this way because she has a choice. Life just makes you want to crawl under your bed and stay there sometimes. Course if you do that you miss the fleeting moments that make life bearable.
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