The Ghosts of Christmas Past

Today is Christmas Eve.

And I feel haunted.

This year I should be happier.  My mother is improving and is not living by herself anymore.  Last year I went out of town at Christmas and then a huge snow storm hit leaving her alone for days.  I had 3 siblings in the area, but no one could reach her because of the bad roads.  And she wouldn't answer her phone.  Talk about panic!  This year she's in an assisted living with a back up generator and plentiful meals and people there to take care of her medications so we don't have to.  That should make me happy.

My mind is drifting to all the Christmas' we had as kids.  My mom was always sick, but it was the one day of the year she tended to reign it in.  She allowed my Grandmother (her mom) to visit.  It was the only time of the year we saw a single relative outside of siblings and our parents.  One year we even saw our Grandfather (her dad).  He was always welcome, but rarely took the effort to visit.  The other relatives were barred from visiting.

Mom and Dad tended to fight less on that day.  We actually got to see our father. He was normally at work every day till very late so it was a treat to see him.  And since McDonald's was closed we usually had a home cooked meal.  Yes, there were some years we made what we affectionately called "Crap Macaroni and Cheese," but there were quite a few nice years in there too.

It's a lean Christmas for our family this year because our savings went to home repairs and the legal costs of  Guardianship and Conservatorship.  I still have the worry of clearing out my mother's house to sell.  It's like a specter hanging over my head till the walls are painted and the For Sale sign is posted in the front yard.  My life is on hold and I hate that Schizophrenia seems to have so much control over my life.  It isn't fair that it has so much power and I have so little.

I know I have a home and two beautiful children and I should be thankful for what I have because others are less fortunate and blah, blah, blah...Just because I didn't win the "who has it harder" contest doesn't make my challenges any less difficult.  I feel like I would gladly trade my difficulties for the average American's difficulties.  Geez, job loss and eviction as your biggest worries sounds like Heaven to me right now.  And I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I can't help but wallowing.  I've earned the right to spend a few minutes feeling sorry for myself.  I'll be spending the next few months selling my mother's house and weeding down the volunteer commitments I have.  Some of those commitments I will miss and others I will not, but I'm irked that Schizophrenia gets more say in how I budget my time than I do.

I will put a smile on my face and make tomorrow as wonderful as I can for everyone else.  I will not subject my kids to a crying mess of a mother.  That certainly won't make any of us feel better.