episode 3

Well, we made it through another week.  I have to say that taking care of my mom has been very trying on me.  Part of it is making decisions on what to do next and part is dealing with my mother's illness.  I spend a lot of time thinking about if I'm doing the right thing by suing for guardianship.  There really isn't another option, but I really hate to do this to her.  Children should never have to do this for their parents.  My mom is fairly young and I would really love for her to have another 10 years or more where she can function and have a happy life.  Now her doctor is pushing for her to be moved to an assisted living facility and she isn't even old enough to qualify for Medicare. 

Yesterday was an especially trying day.  I picked up my mother to take her to lunch before her appointment with her psychiatrist. Since she can't bathe herself we ate quickly and I got her in the shower.  She wasn't willing to go at first, but I insisted.  I had wanted to wait till after the appointment so her doctor could see her normal state (well we showered her a few times recently, so not as bad as her usual normal state), but Christina insisted I shower her before.  When we got to the appointment her doctor mentioned she didn't look too bad considering she wasn't bathing.  I flashed Christina an "I told you so" look before telling the doctor I had just bathed her before coming in. 

The doctor reiterated he thought she should move into an assisted living.  But, she refuses to go and I can't force her till we finish the guardianship process (I have been so unsure of where to start I haven't even been able to get going on that yet).  The other problem is who will pay for it?  We are looking into options she can afford, but until I can get control of her money we are out of luck on that was well. 

I asked the doctor a question that has been weighing on me.  She has been on her medications for three months and, while we see improvement, she is still delusional, paranoid and confused.  I was really thinking that all she needed was the right medications and she would be able to function again like a normal person, but the doctor said that wasn't the case.  The medication could only control one part of her disease.  The rest was untreatable.  I felt like the wind was knocked out of me.  This means her state is permanent.  Somehow the situation was easier to deal with when I thought there could be an end to the ordeal.  Is there strength in me to do this for the next decade?

I have been able to handle most of the criticism my mom dishes out these days because I know she's not thinking clearly.  She lives in her own reality.  We can't visit that reality and certainly can't understand it.  She often says, and mentioned it yesterday, that she hasn't seen any of her kids in 10 years so why are we around now?  That is of course not true.  She stayed in my home for a few days right before he last hospitalization in August 2010.  I don't think there has been a month where I haven't seen her at least once in the past decade.  So I ignore those things because I know they aren't true and the medical providers know we wouldn't be there if we didn't care.  But yesterday I was so hurt by her criticism.  She complained about the cleanliness of my house and how my front flower beds were overgrown.  Now I know both of these things are a mess, but I have been focusing all my attention and time on her the past 3 months.  I figured she was more important than dusting.  It was all I could do not to burst into tears right there.

For those of you who don't know my mother I'll enlighten you.  Her yard is like a forest.  She considers it a national park.  She has dead trees, upon dead trees, upon sickly trees.  She randomly plants bushes and flowers all over her yard.  She won't let us prune anything for fear we will kill the plant.  I assure you that would be an improvement.  For her to criticize my flower bed was like a 500 pound man telling a 200 pound man he needed to lose weight.  And her house is fairly well picked up, but there are spider webs everywhere.  When I try to knock them down or wipe a countertop she gets very aggitated.  The lights are very dim and at night they cast an erie glow on big spider webs coming from the ceilings.  I am temped to market it as a haunted house this Halloween and sell tickets to pay for her care.  I don't think I would have to do a thing.  It's pretty scary in itself.  "Open the broom closet, if you dare. Bawhaahaahaahaahaaw!"

I did get a bit of really great news yesterday.  I had helped my mom file for charity care with Chesapeake General Hospital after her hospitalization in June.  She was recently hospitalized again at their facility.  After stating my case and supplying the necessary forms the hospital agreed to write off her medical bills.  I was so happy I could scream.  I'm hoping the victory will hold me through the next phase.

As for guardianship, I'm planning on going it alone.  We hired a lawyer back in June.  After 2 months he had done nothing so we fired him.  It was a waste of a $2600 and a lot of time.  Mom's case manager at the CSB gave me the names of a few good lawyers and suggested I pay to have all my questions answered and start the filing process myself.  We still have to pay for the Guardian ad Litem and court costs, but those are expected to run around $2K.  With a lawyer it would probably be around $7K.  I wish there was some way this could be easier.  I need something easy these days.

Wish me luck.