If you've known me for a while or been reading for a while one thing you may remember about my mom is that she loves Pat Robertson. She used to tell me all the time about how she met him a few times (he lives 30 minutes from where I grew up and down the street from my house currently) and how he laid his hands on me and prayed over me when I was a baby. I'd love to ask him what he prayed for.
Mom also loved to tell the story about the day she got in her brown hatchback and decided she was going to go drive up to Pat's house. It had just been built so I guess she was thinking she could get a tour. She tells of how she drove down his long driveway past several gardeners working on the grounds who all stopped to stare at her. Halfway down the driveway she says she realized he might think she was crazy if she showed up unannounced so she turned around driving over part of his lovely manicured lawn I presume and tried to leave. She heard a scraping sound so she got out of the car and found a stick wedged in her wheel well. The end of the stick had sharpened itself into a very sharp point. She yanked it and and for some weird reason threw it in the backseat. Shortly after she got home, she saw my brother with the stick as he was fashioning it into a bow and arrow set. That made mom think that God wanted her there in that drive way to bring that stick home to her son. Now when I would hear that story I would often think why would God want you to trespass on someone's property to create a very sharp stick to give to your son who was about five years old at the time? I guess it's a mystery I will never solve. God works in mysterious ways.
My mom would spend hours talking with the "counselors" at the 700 Club and often end up in yelling matches with the poor person on the other line. This was a daily occurrence in our house for many years. I found her membership card to the club in her house while cleaning out her things last week. It amazes me that even though she called every day for years they never could get her first name right on the card. They call her "Amelia" to this day in any mail they send. For those of you who aren't in the know that isn't even close to her real name.
But if you've watched the news recently Pat Robertson told an audience member that if a man's wife had end stage Alzheimer's disease (a form of dementia - my mom has a different form of the same disease) he should be allowed to divorce and move on with his life (I'm paraphrasing it to emphasize the evil I feel is implied). Now I get it's horrible to deal with someone who has Alzheimer's or any form of dementia. I'm all too familiar with it. My Great-Grandfather died of Alzheimer's. We believe my Great-Grandmother suffered from Dementia towards the end of her life. My Grandfather developed Dementia towards the end of his battle with Emphysema. My Great-Aunt is living with Dementia. I see the bulls-eye on my head already. And I certainly wouldn't want to lay blame on someone for wanting out of that situation. I'm certainly not blaming anyone from deciding they've had enough, but as with anything, there are consequences for those actions.
It almost seems to Pat that the greater crime would be to have a relationship out of marriage, then to divorce someone in their hour of need for your own self preservation. I don't think he even realizes that when it comes to severe illness the well spouse may end up destroying what little life is left for their loved one by initiating a divorce. It could cause the sufferer to lose insurance, may reduce the quality of care if the sufferer no longer has someone looking out for them and may make the sufferer's life that much worse during their final years on this earth. If it were me suffering from dementia and I was to the point that I didn't recognize my own husband I would say throw me in front of The Tide to end it quickly. Otherwise I can't speak for myself so I need you. Sleep with anyone you want if you need that, but don't leave me in my hour of need.
I can see where Pat was kinda coming from. It is awful and the poor man was suffering too, but if you preach marriage is sacred and condemn divorce then you can't then go say "oh, but if it's too hard it's okay to jump ship." Just don't be a hypocrite about it all. And for the record I'm not against divorce. I think we run to it too quickly when things go wrong instead of working on relationships, but if that's what a couple chooses I would never stand in their way or make them feel guilty for choosing that option. But there's something extra sleazy about someone who divorces their spouse because he/she got sick.
Remember Andrea Yates? She killed her children because the voices in her head told her to do so. Her husband, while knowing how sick she was demanded she home-school their children and said how deeply religious he was. When she went prison and was awaiting trial he divorced her. Now I know that was a hard decision to make, but I wonder if he ever considered that his wife that he loved enough to father children with still needed someone to care about her. Does anyone clip her toenails when they get so long they dig into her shoes? Does anyone make sure the mental hospital she resides in bathes her when she needs it and treats her like a human being?
Of course I've had a great crisis with my view of God for many years. He just seems to want to dump on our family. It would be nice if he could spread the wealth a bit from time to time. But that's for another post.
I wrote an angry email to Pat Robertson and below is the email his rep sent. At the very bottom you can see my original email to them. You decide what you think. Maybe I'm just too angry about my own situation to give anyone a break on theirs. I own that and embrace that fault. Dementia, in it's many forms, sucks. And I've received more than my share of experiences with it. When my mother calls me names and tells me I never visit, or I never do anything for her, or I don't care enough for her it feels like a knife through my heart. But I can't trade her in for a new mom and walk away. The world just doesn't work that way. And I hope to God it never does. The world just wouldn't be worth living in if people became disposable like a CD when it starts to skip.
Thank you for sharing your concern about Pat Robertson's response to a Bring It On question about a friend's wife in the late stages of Alzheimer's.
Having had many close friends struggle through Alzheimer's, Pat has seen the devastating impact that it has on not only the spouse with the disease, but especially the caregiver whose quality of life also becomes completely debilitated by it.
The advice he offered was meant for only the most extreme cases, where the spouse is in the advanced stages of the disease (such as the woman in the letter) and the mental health of the caregiver is also at risk.
Pat acknowledges that this is a hard thing, saying, "This is an ethical question that is beyond my call." He also said, "Get some ethicist besides me to give you the answer, because I recognize the dilemma."
We are including below the complete transcript, which we hope will clarify Pat's answer.
Transcript
The 700 Club Daily Broadcast
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
BRING IT ON
TERRY MEEUWSEN: Well, we have your questions from our chat room, and we'd like to take some time to address them now. Pat, this is Andreas, who says, "I have a friend whose wife suffers from Alzheimer's. She doesn't even recognize him anymore. And as you can imagine, the marriage has been rough. My friend has gotten bitter at God for allowing his wife to be in that condition, and now he has started seeing another woman. He says that he should be allowed to see other people because his wife, as he knows her, is gone. I'm not quite sure what to tell him. Please help."
PAT ROBERTSON: That is a terribly hard thing. I hate Alzheimer's. It is one of the most awful things, because here is the loved one. This is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years, and suddenly that person is gone. They're gone. They are gone. So what he says, basically, is correct. I know it sounds cruel, but if he is going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but to make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her.
TERRY MEEUWSEN: But isn't that the vow we take when we marry someone, that it's for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer?
PAT ROBERTSON: I know, if you respect that vow. But you say, "To death do us part," and this is a kind of a death. So that's what he is saying, is that she's like-but this is an ethical question that is beyond my can do to tell you. But I certainly wouldn't put a guilt trip on you if you decided that you had to have companionship, you're lonely, and you're asking for some companionship. But what a grief. I know one man who went to see his wife every single day, and she didn't recognize him one single day. And she would complain that he never came to see her. And it's really hurtful, because they say crazy things.
TERRY MEEUWSEN: Well, they see things, too.
PAT ROBERTSON: She finally died. I don't know what he's done. But nevertheless, it is a terribly difficult thing for somebody. And I can't fault them for wanting some kind of companionship. And if he says in a sense, she is gone, he is right. It's like a walking death. But get some ethicist besides me to give you the answer, because I recognize the dilemma, and the last thing I would do is condemn you for taking that kind of action. All right.
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> On 14-Sep-2011 22:17:21 CBN.com wrote:
> CBN.com Feedback - Other
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> Subject: Alzheimers
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> I am so angry. I can't believe that Pat Robertson would say someone gets a pass on morality just because his/her spouse has dementia. My mother has schizophrenia and dementia. She made the decision to divorce my father, but if it had been the other way around I would never ever forgive him. My mother loved you guys. I saw a taping as a child, my mother tells me I was blessed by Pat as a baby. She spent hours on the phone with your "counselors." My life is hell now because of her illness. No, I can't trade her in for a new "mom." Morality doesn't end when times are tough.
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