What We Have Here Is a Failure to Communicate

I thought today I would share with you all what a typical phone call is like for me these days.

Me:  Hi I'm calling on behalf of my mother.  She is an incapacitated adult and I am her guardian and conservator.  I need to check on the status of her insurance/payment/bill etc.

Them:  Huh?

Me:  I am calling on behalf of my mother.  I am her guardian and conservator and I need to check on the status of her insurance/payment/bill etc.

Them:  So, did she die?

Me:  No, she is very much alive.

Them:  Can I talk with her?

Me:  No, she is an incapacitated adult.  She cannot speak for herself.

Them:  Just put her on the phone.

Me:  Even if she was with me she wouldn't be able to talk to you because she was declared an incapacitated adult by the Circuit Court of Chesapeake.

Them:  Well, we don't recognize court documents.

Me:  Are you serious?

Them:  Yes.

Me:  Okaaaaayy, so what am I supposed to do to take care of this for her?  Can I email you a copy of the papers.

Them:  You can fax or mail the originals to us to look at.  We will need a certified copy of her death certificate.

Me:  She's still alive!

Them: Oh, well then just fax or mail the court documents for us to look at.

Me: Ok, I just faxed them.  Can you verify you've received them?

Them:  I can give you no information.  It takes 14 days to process the fax if we did indeed receive it.  Call back in 14 days and maybe we can talk with you then.

Me:  14 days!  Are you serious?

Them: Yes.

Me:  Oh geez.  Well thank you for your....help.

Them:  No problem.  Did we help you to your satisfaction today?

Me:  Um, is that a trick question?  I think the answer is no.

Them:  Thank you for calling blah blah blah.  Have a nice day!

And scene.

Makes me long for the days when all my calls were augmented by a screaming two year old at my feet.  Ah, those were the days....